Blackbird

"There is no prosthetic for a broken spirit" - Lt.Col. Frank Slade (Al Pacino in Scent of a woman)


I know I can never erase some things that I have done in the past. I always believed that coping with the bad times, to overcome the hurdles and surviving makes a person. Till last night I believed that people will see how far ahead you have come in spite of all the mistakes and mess that one makes of their life. That is what people told me when I was having a rough patch a few years back and being the idiot that I am I believed them. I told myself people make mistakes- that is a part of living one’s life. Everyone makes mistakes and they move on. I messed up my life at one point but did not let it affect my future. But last night I realized that irrespective of all that I did and will do in future NOTHING will erase all the mistakes. They will always remain. People will always remind me of them. I don’t see why people like living in the past. People have a way of sucking out the joy from my life by reminding me that whatever I have done and will be doing is a way of penance to overshadow the mistakes. Ha! See, I hadn’t seen things that way. I just told my self - I won’t repeat the mistake – That was all. I am not doing a freaking penance. Even now if I have to go back in time I wouldn’t change a thing. If I did not make those mistakes, I am sure I would have darn-well done something else. I have accepted my flaws. I won’t apologize for not being the perfect person that I am expected to be.


After being constantly reminded of all the things I did that I should not have, people follow it up with a speech which always ends with, “What I don’t understand is why it is always you and not the other five?” When I am asked this I get very angry. I don’t know how to answer this. What am I supposed to say? That I am the chosen one in the family? So I don’t say anything. Again people construe silence as my acceptance to their judgment about me. I could/would/should have counter argued and asked people what gives them the right to sit and judge me when they are far from being perfect. Then I tell myself that I don’t want to fight these people. That whatever I have to say will only make matters worse. But honestly I am just fed up of having to fight these people because all I want in my life is to be left alone and do my own thing without someone always breathing down my neck.


It took a heavy downpour, a bunch of stray dogs, power cut and a much delayed bus to make me realize that I love my Ma, Pa, Hari and Fenny. These are the only four people that matter to me. I cannot bring myself to attend any family get-together and paste a smile on my face and say “Bring it on people, say what you have to. I have no feelings so maul my spirit and if that doesn’t kill me I know you’ll try till you succeed.”


I am going to prescribe an over dose of TLC for myself. I need it.

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