All we need is...

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It is true that the Beatles sang, “All we need is love”, BUT in India the theme for what makes the world spin can be summed in one line, “All we need is a penis”.

Here is why I think that – From the time you are born, the first thing people check is to see if you have an appendage between your legs. If you don’t, you easily qualify for the game – “Quest for a Penis”. Hereon onwards you have to go looking for one. The people around you will further emphasize the superiority of the Penis by telling you that EVERYTHING you do on this planet will be irrelevant unless you succeed in your quest for the Penis. BUT there is a catch, you can’t just get any Penis, you have to adhere to the laws of religion, caste, sub caste (if any) ooooh and dare you not forget-Gotra. If the penis you find doesn’t pass the above test, that Penis is useless. BUT if you find that the penis doesn’t adhere to the said parameters but you find that the person to whom said penis is attached to is actually a decent human being and has a good sense of the world and is broad minded and on the same wavelength as you in spite of several differences, said Penis is still invalid. You begin on the quest again.

The bottom line of this game is – find a religious penis. It’s okay even if the person to whom said penis is attached is a psychopath, brainless burden on earth of a human being because at the end of the day HIS Penis has the social standing that the society expects you to accept. Anything else that the person is, is pushed into a dark abyss of irrelevance.

Once you have acquired the penis, you are now in sole charge of putting the penis to good use. Be sure to understand here, it is immaterial if the person who has been the owner of the penis all his life has taken good care of it or not, has learnt to use it or not, has maintained its health or not, from here on out it is up to you and you alone to use it in spite of its short comings, its lack of mobility or even if it is the most unhealthiest thing you have ever seen, because it is the one that you got, YOU picked it.

There are two ways in which this can go:

1.       You become pregnant and go through the whole cycle of giving birth and have people come and inspect your Childs gender, as were you when you were an infant and depending on the gender of the child, in the quest for a penis you might just have acquired one more and on doing so will obtain a certain social boost and bragging rights for a lifetime or you will have to redo the entire process again in the hopes of finding the eternal social boost. [For further bragging rights people usually go for a second child in the hopes of acquiring a third Penis in the family.]

2.      You might not have gotten pregnant and will be subjected to a multitude of tests because you don’t have a penis hence any or all problems ONLY stem from you. Remember the penis is never at fault. The penis is the epitome of social perfection.

Once you have been through either of the above mentioned scenarios you’ll find your life has ascended to some free time to finally get off the quest or you’ll find yourself at square one and begin the quest all over again.

Hence, ladies remember – All we need is a Penis.